My Black Garden.

Monday, October 31, 2005

i can go out like normal couples do
i can have my own digital camera
i can do anything and go anywhere and not be restricted by anything
i can just be like anybody else...

going going gone 4:44 PM;

Saturday, October 29, 2005

silly cillia does the silliest thing la....
imagine those days when u're trying to get back to ur seat and realised that it's not there anymore...hahha..cos someone took it away...so that u will land on ur bum bum...

it happened to me just now.... but...the culprit is no other than CILLIA...hahhahahaa....wat a goon goon....

going going gone 11:11 PM;

Friday, October 28, 2005

maybe the expected boxing day will never come...i feel so blessed now....i just everything to be like that everyday ....i don't want to be left alone to face this world...full of the ugliest thing you'll ever see...i wish everyday will be like yesterday ...the feeling of being loved is the most wonderful feeling ever....nothing is as wonderful as that....

going going gone 11:52 PM;

Love had played its games on me so long

I started to believe I'd never find anyone

Doubt had tried to convince me to give in, said, "You can't win"

But one day the sun came a shinin· through

The rain had stopped and the skies were blue

And oh, what a revelation to see

Someone was saying "I love you" to me

A one in a million chance of a lifetime

And life showed compassion

And sent to me a stroke of love called "You"

A one in a million you

I was a lonely man with empty arms to fill

Then I found a piece of happiness to call my own

And life is worth livin·again

For to love you to me is to live

A one in a million chance of a lifetime

And life showed compassion

And sent to me a stroke of love called "You"

A one in a million you

A one in a million chance of a lifetime

And life showed compassion

And sent to me a stroke of love called "You"

One in a million you

A one in a million you

going going gone 4:02 PM;

Thursday, October 27, 2005

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Cillia Yow Mei Yi
Birthday:	14 jan 1984
Birthplace:	Singapore,Alexandra HOspital
Current Location:	Singapore,Clementi
Eye Color:	black
Hair Color:	dark brown
Height:	158cm
Right Handed or Left Handed:	right handed
Your Heritage:	Chinese...proud of it
The Shoes You Wore Today:	my rotten green converse
Your Weakness:	food
Your Fears:	dark,loneliness
Your Perfect Pizza:	hawaiian
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	save more money..impossible
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	hahahahahahahahha...., okok
Thoughts First Waking Up:	where's my phone? i need to change the time to 1/2 hr more...
Your Best Physical Feature:	eyes
Your Bedtime:	late....after 1am??
Your Most Missed Memory:	my secondary sch days..when i can play volleyball all the time
Pepsi or Coke:	coke definitely...
MacDonalds or Burger King:	McDonalds
Single or Group Dates:	Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Nestea
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Chocolate...or vanilla...depends on my mood la
Cappuccino or Coffee:	cappuccino
Do you Smoke:	nope...proud of it too
Do you Swear:	when i don't get my way...seldom tho..
Do you Sing:	yes ...all the time....
Do you Shower Daily:	TWICE A DAY keep all smellies away...
Have you Been in Love:	yes definitely...
Do you want to go to College:	i'm in one...
Do you want to get Married:	yes yes yes....eventually...
Do you belive in yourself:	sometimes only
Do you get Motion Sickness:	sometimes...
Do you think you are Attractive:	sometimes
Are you a Health Freak:	nope...though i try to act like one...
Do you get along with your Parents:	sometimes...communication breakdown at times
Do you like Thunderstorms:	noooooo.... i fear thunder..i fear thunder
Do you play an Instrument:	haha recorder??
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	yup.
In the past month have you Smoked:	nope
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	nope
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	nope....sob...
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	yup.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	nope
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	nope
In the past month have you been on Stage:	nope
In the past month have you been Dumped:	hm...m....nope
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	nope
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	nope
Ever been Drunk:	yup
Ever been called a Tease:	i don't think so
Ever been Beaten up:	almost...scary
Ever Shoplifted:	yup...when i was really young...
How do you want to Die:	naturally...
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	someone great
What country would you most like to Visit:	europe
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	brown..light brown
Favourite Hair Color:	either black or dark brown
Short or Long Hair:	short or medium length...nicely styled
Height:	tall really tall....above 1.8m
Weight:	haha... 70kg?
Best Clothing Style:	i like guys in shirt with a knit wear outside...yummy
Number of Drugs I have taken:	panadol,antibiotics???hahaaaa
Number of CDs I own:	a few only
Number of Piercings:	7
Number of Tattoos:	none
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	quite a few....
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

going going gone 9:03 PM;

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

i am so dead....i am soo sosoo soooo dead...cos i misinterpreted the question entirely wrong....how can i go assume that product recycling meaning changing it from the current self..???hmmmm...when it is just as simple as it seems... it just basically means recycling... i am so so so dead la...how ...??? wat shld i do now...???fake sickness???hahha
well that's lame...that's what my classmates always do...some so dumb till the extent ..even if they use an MC they still fail....losers...hai...
i think now it all depends on fate..since the lecturer said this aussie lecturer is very lenient i shld just believe him for this last once.....cos wateva he says is not to be taken seriously...cos he asked us to study retailing and guess wat happened....nothing came out from retailing at all..nothing...nothing.... infact things from product all came out....the chapter that i did not focus much attention on....worst is that when i studied that chapter i only studied the notes...i did not study the bloody text..and all the bloody answers are all in the text .... i am soo sooo sooo dead...i am praying for miracle to happen....it did ever happen to my friend once...cos she answered a question wrongly...out of point kinda answers...and she still pass...wa...so i really hope the miracle will happen on me....sob....not so lucky....but i hope all things turn out fine..mmost importantly i must do well for the project...my marketing project cannot fail on me.... if i fail i will be sooo sooo sooo extremely dead....no chance of resurrection at all man... no chance....

going going gone 1:49 PM;

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

christmas day is coming soon....

going going gone 2:19 PM;

Monday, October 24, 2005

Don't give up on us, Baby
Don't make our love seem light
The future isn't just one night
It's written in the moonlight
And painted on the stars
We can't change ours

Don't give up on us, Baby
We're still worth one more try
I know we put a last one by
Just for a rainy evening
When maybe stars are few
Don't give up on us, I know
We can still come through

I really lost my head last night
You've got a right to start believing
There's still a little love left, even so

Don't give up on us, Baby
Lord knows we've come this far
Can't we stay the way we are?
The angel and the dreamer
Who sometimes play a fool
Don't give up on us, I know
We can still come through

I really lost my head last night
You've got a right to stop believing
There's still a little love left, even so

Just for a rainy evening
When maybe stars are few
Don't give up on us, I know
We can still come through

Don't give up on us, Baby
Don't give up on us, Baby

*to listen to this song*

click here

going going gone 3:25 PM;

Sunday, October 23, 2005

for once i spoke
of words that are wrapped up
wrapped up so tightly
no one can see my intentions.
no one saw my intentions
neither did you
i will unwrap it soon
just like boxing day
i will tear it up and show it to you
this present you deserve
this present for being a person like you
so kind so wonderful
well well well
don't worry
christmas just round the corner
soon it will be boxing day
and i will show it all to you
that inner self will unravel itself soon

going going gone 3:19 AM;

Saturday, October 22, 2005

recently i have the worst dreams ever...maybe for the month of september and october...just this morning i woke up feeling so tired...reason being, i was running in my dream from these bunch of guys who wanted to kill me and a guy friend...(the guy friend suddenly turned out to be one of my girl friend...)weird...well i kept on running...running....running...nonstop ...my heart was pounding nonstop...nonstop....fast... even when i woke up i could feel my heart still racing...well i really dunno wat's the matter with my mind...so many weird dreams...the weirdest part is that i still feel the presence of it when i wakes up...horrible feeling...like as if i nv slept...well...that's my life now...haunted by my own dreams....i wish i can have a peaceful rest....not thinking of anything at all....and wake up feeling fresher than i when i slept...

going going gone 8:29 PM;

somemore work of art...not mine though...although i would love to do something like these....hahaha.... =))) enjoy....super nice....

Cillia: this is a very nice work of andy warhol...nice...i love his prints ...he's fabulous....

Cillia: Japanese dolls....i like the glassy effects...or shld i call it reflections...

Cillia: reminds me of wayne... he loves whisky with water...yeah... he will probably looks like this in ten years.....hahah

going going gone 5:38 PM;

i've been wasting my time going thru corbis my entire day... not entire... but almost ....shit....the day is nearing and 'm still here typing....argh.... anyway these are some of my findings...wat a coolsite ....i'm always amaze atthe images i see.... i wish i can do something like these....

Cillia: i like the old houses...reminds me of those along chinatown...cooll...it's soo andy warhol...but it's not....do not be mistaken by the style of this art work...it's just the colour and there medium used...it's done by this artist called...hmmmm PATTI MOLLICA

Cillia: this is another kinda art work i like...very pop art kind....

Cillia: the swinging lady... "the show must go on" by ED ROSKOWSKI....nice piece.. ilike the colour combination ..nice....

Cillia: the funny couples..maybe i shld try this sometime with wayne..anyway wayne's always in for some fun...

going going gone 5:17 PM;

Thursday, October 20, 2005

what do you do when you have nothing to look forward to?
what do you do when you realise you have no control over anything?
what do you do when you realise you can only do so much with your own strenght?
what do you do when you realise there's no one in the world you can rely on?
what do you do when you realise someone you love is playing a love game with you?
what do you do when you realise that love is not as simple as it seems?
what do you do when you're stucked between plans and reality?
what do you do when the someone you love seems non-existence in your life?
what do you do when this really maybe isn't what you're looking for?
what do you do if you really have no choice?

going going gone 11:44 PM;

i feel like a girl that never did grew up....

going going gone 2:52 PM;

You should be Wonder Woman

You love dressing up for Halloween because it lets you be creative and show people your retro taste in TV. The best part of Halloween for you is the candy, and you definitely look forward to it every year.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

going going gone 2:33 PM;

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

i noe i look ugly...bear it it pls...hahaha
it's just the time of the month... exams month!!!!!!!!!!!argh...can't wait
for the long awaited holis standing there waiting for me to embrace it...
muahaha mauhahaha....

going going gone 3:08 PM;

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

after everything...this is how i feel.. i really do not know how to pen down my thoughts....

going going gone 3:18 PM;

Monday, October 17, 2005

living my life without your touch your smile
only the touch of emptiness
eventually i thought it was going to be tough
as i force myself into the going
i became stronger
reliant is bad i know
you will not know till you try hard enough
maybe i have tried hard enough now
maybe in the beginning i really did not put in any effort in trying
knowing that there will always be a pair of arms to hold onto me
maybe
so i thought
love a never a smooth journey
never
which i thought so at first
i came to realisation
that it is not....

going going gone 1:48 AM;

Monday, October 10, 2005

really had alot of fun with these bunch of girls....June van & jingle!!!!had HOE GARDEN the whole night long..hahha yummy...hahahanyway the band was damn good...van said it's their fri's resident band ...nice nice...the guy got a good voice....=))))another time babes...ROuge will be the one...yeah !!!!!!

going going gone 1:34 AM;

Friday, October 07, 2005

the void in me is consuming me
like i'm stuck in this situation that i cannot do anything about
it's either i leave it or work on it
it's really difficult
i don't know whether i should continue to work on it
or just leave it as it is
the pain is killing me
softly and gently cutting my every senses
leaving me jaded
it seems like history repeating itself
or am i seeing things?
my life's never been worst
why is it always happening to me?
why is it me?
why can't GOD play trick on other people...
all i want is stability
remember when you're younger
people used to ask you this question
"if you're walking along this forest to meet your final one"
"would you choose the long journey but filled with wonderful scenery and beautiful animals"
or"would you choose the short cut..but you will see the darkest of all things...and the hideous creatures ever..but u'll see ur final in a very short while"

after all my experiences.. i think i would choose the first...i do not want roller coaster rides anymore...i just want someone who is there for me...slow and steady...maybe i may not have to be in one..but when i do find one...it will be forever.....i do not want tears anymore....i want laughter smiles and joy....

going going gone 3:30 AM;

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

just when you are in your dreamland
creating the finest dream of all
you did not realised that actually the reality that you have created will soon become a a dream..
do not take for granted that by not putting effort into something you can create miracle with merely your hopes or confidence...
things do not work this way

i am losing that special something
i am losing all hopes
i am having more doubts
soon enough the dream that i created will be burst by your lack of sensitivity

and there will be an addition member to the graveyard that i once visited...

when can you hear that scream?
when can you hear that desperate cry?
do you even bother?

going going gone 8:03 PM;

Home...Sometimes I wonder can I really be alone
be by myself
or is it me that constantly put that thought into my head that I can't be alone
well maybe I really can
I don't feel so moody and lonely now
maybe I'm just accepting the fact that certain things are just not forever and instead work on other stuff that will always be there for me, eg. family and friends

i think people shouldn't take things to seriously as it might result in irreconcilable effects.maybe this is also one reason why there are more and more cases of sucidal in singapore.people can't accept the fact that certain things just don't go their way.they feel empty and feel that there's nothing to look for in life...thus ending their life in the most instantenous way...painful..but true...maybe people really shoudn't take things too seriously in life...and expectations should nv be set too high...

yeah and anyway only the day before yesterday i took a cab to sch..and on the way the cab driver told me thee's just an accident outside NUS, a student or a guy just got knocked down by a vehicle..why are people always in a rush??be it the driver or the pedestrian..why can't they know the seriousness of this???the cab dirver told me the guy was bleeding fromt he nose...sounda really bad...hope the guy's fine now...well...*stay optimistic*

going going gone 3:17 PM;

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

He works hard to give her all he thinks she wants
But it tears her apart 'cause nothing's for her heart
He pulls in late to wake her up with a kiss goodnight
If he could only read her mind, she'd say:

Buy me a rose, call me from work
Open a door for me, what would it hurt
Show me you love me by the look in your eyes
These are the little things I need the most in my life

Now the days have grown to years of feelin' all alone
As she sits and wonders if all she's doin' is wrong
'Cause lately she'd try anything just to turn his head
Would it make a difference if she said, if she said:

And the more that he lives the less that he tries
To show her the love that he holds inside
And the more that she gives the more that he sees
This is the story of you:and me
So I bought you a rose on the way home from work
To open the door to a heart that I hurt
And I hope you notice this look in my eyes
'Cause I'm gonna make things right for the rest of your life
And I'm gonna hold you tonight, tonight
Do all those little things for the rest of your life

going going gone 11:39 PM;

this is one thing i must really share with u guys who read smy blog... hahha... go visit this site for russell peter's stand up comedies...

RUSSELL PETER

enjoy!!!

going going gone 12:12 AM;

Monday, October 03, 2005

(Adapted from Don's Blog)

Anger is a defence mechanism. Because of lack of understanding and love, people get angry. Because of unfulfilled expectations, people get angry. We hold others to some standard that we have somehow fantasized, chosen, and applied to them. They may not even know about these standards, but that does not matter to us.

So often people are angry at us because we have not met their expectations. The expectations may be completely unrealistic, so that we cannot possibly fit their agenda.

Anger is a defense of the ego, defense against fear. Fear of being humiliated or embarrassed, fear of being minimized, of being mocked, fear of loss and of losing face, indeed fear of losing. Fear of not getting your way. We think anger “protects” us against the others, who would do these things to us, who likewise are angry at us.

When a negative emotion is understood, when its roots are illuminated, the energy behind the emotion diminishes and even disappears. When you feel angry, the healthy response is to learn what caused the anger, to rectify the situation if that is possible, and then to let go of the anger.

Understanding and love dissolve anger.

And i know now why there is hatred. And that is because people never put in the effort to try to understand where others are coming from. That is why there is the existence of judgementalism. The fear of the unknown causes hatred and jealousy to breed.

**don't you think it's sooo right???**

going going gone 1:49 AM;

Sunday, October 02, 2005

if i have only 1hour
i would give u 59mins
if i have only 1 min
i would give u 59seconds

if only u would do that for me....

going going gone 2:32 AM;

Saturday, October 01, 2005

part one:

i was sitting at the busstop with my mum or friend..
talking abt a guy who once liked me...
and he got a me a certain present for birthday
den in front of us was this ice cream seller uncle
he is someone we noe
someone who introduced my sis to the current boyfriend*all real in dream but fake in real life*

part two:

suddenly i was in the way to a hospital with june*yeah june it's u*
we wanted to visit someone..somone...dunno who also
but i think it was passed visiting hours
so we decided to sneak in
june told me that we could sneak in
*in this dream.. i'm a scaredy cat...*
i said to june..."no la..dun want la"
but june insisted we sneak in and not waste our trip to the hospital
we walked and walked..up the stairs and stuff
as we walked i saw alot of very poor-thing people..
eg. bleeding, wounded, scarred, lonely, mental problems, crazy
*dunno what kinda hospital is this*
anyway i saw some people in my sch that once looked funny...
and now i see them in my dream lonely and crazy
june was the one protecting me in this dream..
she's the more brave person in this dream
well we continued walking...and we even had to crawl to a hole big enough for us only
to get into this garden in the hospital
as we walked in this garden we saw 3 person
a very good looking guy, my colleague henry, and another colleague daniel
well we decided to go do the visiting together

part three:
we got into this room together
the guys went in first
den followed by us...
later daniel and the good looking guy went into another room to look..
left with henry june and i
henry and june started to get close to one another...
they started making out in front of me...*in real life june and henry don't even talk to each other much..as in accquaintances...*
and they got so intense they forgot abt my existence....
then they started to carry on further and further
den they started to move into the next room..
and funny enough..the two guys that went in earlier are sleeping in the bed
*how can it be???ironic...we were there to do visiting...*
well they were sleeping...
so june and henry just jumped on the bed
and wanted to ********
ook... i was so appalled ....so so appalled...
and june even shouted the most obscenities of the obscenities...
*hahaha...*

well the dream ended there....i woke up shocked...scared by those images i saw...*luckily it's just a dream...*

going going gone 10:11 PM;

i told you to look at them
immediately you told me
"they didn't flatter you"
i made my way to see you
the first thing you said
"i don't like the way you pinned your hair"
i made effort to speak to you
you told me
"i'm comfortable enough not to speak to you"
i offer my time effort love
you whispered in my ears
"i think maybe you should hold back what you give, so that there are more reason for me to find out more about you"

what can i do?
i'm like that..
should i change the person i am to suit you?
or should i find someone to complement me?
should i compromise and give you less than what you're worth?
do i deserve that little time you give me?

going going gone 2:03 AM;